


Old Married Couple

by bagog



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Bickering, Breakfast, Domestic Fluff, Father-Daughter Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Old Age, Older Characters, Post-Canon, Retirement, Short & Sweet, Short One Shot, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-07-14
Packaged: 2018-07-23 23:57:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7484967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bagog/pseuds/bagog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard and Kaidan's niece is starting to realize that her uncles bicker a lot more than she remembered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Old Married Couple

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bella_Monoxide](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bella_Monoxide/gifts).



> I have been in a weird state, with AO3 being really hateful about not letting me upload my whole MEBB.
> 
> This is a dumb little palette cleanse for me. It began life as an anonymous request on bagog.tumblr.com and I'm posting it here (even though it's short enough where I would only post it on tumblr) because, well. I dunno. I need something to work today, I guess?
> 
> It's a tiny little gift for Bella_Monoxide, who was really encouraging about writing these boys as old dudes. Which means this serves as a flipside to my story 'Two Rings'.

“Ugh,” Shepard smacked his lips, pulled away from the green-mush-filled glass on the counter’s edge. “I just snuck a sip of your smoothie and now I wish I was dead!”

Kaidan turned away from the fridge, a look of practiced contempt on his face.

“That’s because it’s got vegetables in it. Y’know, _vegetables?_ V-E-G—“

“Yeah yeah! I know!”

“E-T-A—“

“Enough! Okay! I get it!”

“B-L-E-S—“

“ Always the same: ’You don’t eat your vegetables, _Shepard_ , you should eat more veg—‘“

“The thing people used to eat to get vitamins—“

 “’—nyah nyah nyah, then the _doctors—‘“_

“So their doctors didn’t have to prescribe them—“

“’—fifteen supplements, nyah nyah—‘“

“—fifteen supplements _twice_ a day?”

“I get the point!” Shepard swiped the air with one impatient hand, dropping his offensive impression. Kaidan idly adjust the some lemons in the egg compartment before adding:

“…next time I’ll make one with crude oil. You might enjoy that one.”

“Cybernetics insults!” Shepard guffawed, “Oh, lover! Low-blow!”

The two still looked spritely for men so old, particularly men who had been through as much as they had before forty. Kaidan’s gray had become a responsible and distinguished matte down his temples and the nape of his neck, errant flecks of white amongst the fading black of his hair. Shepard had seemed to shrink with the years, though his shoulders were as wide as ever, so his old hoodie billowed a bit around the ribs. The old men looked comfortable in a large kitchen, white and blue tile and fresh flowers Shepard had brought in from the garden. Even better this morning, with sunbeams streaming through the window, as if the universe was peaking in.

Juryte, sitting next to her father in the breakfast nook against the window, tried not to stare as her uncles went at it again, but she found her mandibles twitching to hold in the laughter when her Uncle Kaidan called his husband a ‘tin man.’

“Dad,” she whispered, leaning over covertly. No matter, Kaidan and Shepard couldn’t notice anything else right now. “Have… Kaidan and Shepard always fought this much?”

Garrus chuckled around the mouthful of scrambled _prizeegan_ eggs.

“Fight? Naw, this isn’t a fight,” His voice was still strong as ever, despite a thin wheez in his subharmonics. Still, he didn’t lower his voice at all. “I’ve seen them fight, this is nothing. Just a little sniping.”

“I’ve got a _huge_ heart!” Shepard insisted, drawing himself up straight.

“Maybe I got it wrong then,” Kaidan stirred lumpy patch in his smoothie and took a sip, “You’re a _scarecrow_ with that big empty head of yours!”

Juryte looked at Garrus incredulously. He gave her a wink.

“I know this one,” he spoke up, finally drawing their attention. “Shouldn’t Shepard be Dorothy?”

“What makes you think _he’s_ the main character?”

“Too much gristle for gingham!” Shepard scoffed, and his husband actually laughed.

“We’ll let Liara be Dorothy!” Kaidan added, dropping a skillet on the stove.

“Blue on blue, tasteful.” Garrus took another bite of eggs.

“I’ll take tinman then, I guess,” he snuck behind Kaidan on his way to the fridge, rubbing his hands down his husband’s sides. “You makin’ bacon, Kay?”

“’Maaaaakin’ baaaaacon!’” the two cooed together in a sing-song voice.

Juryte’s eyes grew wide.

“Orange juice, Garrus?” Shepard pulled a bottle from the fridge. Garrus’ mouth was full, but he nodded. “Sweetheart?” he gave Juryte a beaming smile but she politely declined.

“Ah,” Kaidan snapped at Shepard, more urgently when he removed a glass from the cupboard. “Red bottle. _Red bottle!_ Shepard, **_Shepard!_** Red bottle! That one’s not dextro.”

“Aww hell!” Shepard crowed, “Alright, don’t nag!”

“Don’t kill our niece!”

“Thanks, I’ll be fine too,” Garrus quipped with a full mouth.

“She’s not even having any! Why do we even _have_ orange juice except for the turians?” Shepard complained, pulling the red bottle from the fridge. “I _hate_ orange juice. _You_ hate orange juice. _Nobody_ drinks goddamn orange juice!”

“I use it in my smoothies.” Kaidan laid a strip of bacon into the pan, the sizzle partly covered the next round of ‘sniping’.

Juryte leaned back over to whisper in her father’s ear.

“Seriously, though. They just _bicker_ all the time!”

Garrus shrugged.

“They’re getting old. You get used to each other, you resent each other a little, then you get over it. You love each other all the way through, though. Besides, they’re old soldiers. They’ve got to fight something, and they’re the only other thing in the room.”

“You and mom don’t fight like that. You’re soldiers.”

“Your _mother_ is _not_ a soldier!” Garrus almost choked on his eggs, “Besides, she’s quarian. If life on the flotilla doesn’t get under your skin…” he trailed off, a far off look in his eyes.

“Because you’re not supposed to _have_ more than two strips a day!” Kaidan slapped Shepard’s hand, encroaching on the bacon pan.

“Come on! A minute ago I didn’t even _have_ a real heart!”

“ _Arteries_ , you _idiot!”_

“Besides,” Garrus continued. “When they’ve got a common enemy, well, watch this. You’ll like this…”

He said it in that tone of voice that made Juryte sure she would not.

“Oh Shepard,” Garrus said, raising his voice and accepting the glass of orange juice Shepard offered him. “Juryte just handed in her prospectus last week, didn’t you?”

“Oh, and how’d that go?” Kaidan had taken the pan off the heat and wiped his hands off just to hear.

Juryte rolled her eyes.

“Ugh, my advisor’s on Pragia for the next 2 months. So that one can’t schedule a review, but if I don’t get the defense scheduled by next week, they’re going to toss out all my credits—“

“They _what!?_ ” Her uncle Kaidan crossed his arms and all but stormed over. “That’s… unbelievable!”

“Yeah,” Juryte sighed, watched warily as her Uncle Shepard leaned on his husband’s shoulder as if he were a thug ready to hustle down a mark. “ _Only_ the provost can approve it in that one’s place, and of course we don’t _have_ a provost right now—“

“Have you spoken there yet, babe?” Kaidan asked his husband.

“You’re asking me like I’d remember…”

“We’ll see about it. We _definitely_ donate…”

“I can pull some strings and get that… tall fellow in their as provost by next week.”

“What about Pragia? I’ll cancel my week, should be a breeze for EDI to find the advisor…”

“Tell you what I’d like to do?” Shepard and Kaidan drifted toward the stove.

“Throw that committee out a window?”

“For starters!”

Juryte could only blink in wonder as her uncles continued to plot ruination on her graduate committee, the university, and the tradition of thesis prospecti on whole.

“See,” Garrus smiled, sipped at his orange juice.

“Like,” she rubbed her eyes, “They never talk about the ‘glory days’ or any of that stuff. I thought they were happy to retire!”

“Oh no, they were. And your Uncle Shepard, he—well. Like I said, it’s not _really_ a fight. They’ve only ever _really_ fought once. And I wouldn’t want to see that again.” He looked wistful for a moment, then shook his head. “Besides, Uncle Shepard is so used to people disagreeing with him and not listening to him, he’d get a big head if someone started now!” He gave his daughter a wink.

“That… doesn’t make any sense,” her attention was drawn over to the sink, where Kaidan and Shepard were arguing about smoothies again.

“Sure. Shepard’s at his best when the odds are against him. Keeps him young. Kaidan knows that.” He was holding back a smile. “And _Kaidan_ , well. There are plenty of fights during the war they didn’t win. And plenty more they didn’t win _together_.” He gave Juryte a smile. “So Shepard eats it up when he sees Kaidan get all riled up, I think. And Kaidan _always_ wins. D’you ever notice?”

“I… I guess not.”

“Fine then!” Shepard cried, “ _Two_ strips only. Admiral Alenko’s orders!”

“Your _husband’s_ orders!” Kaidan shot back, placing two pieces on Shepard’s plate. Shepard shooed Kaidan away from the stove so he could make Kaidan’s eggs for him. Kaidan stayed close.

“Besides,” Garrus swirled his orange juice in his glass, clearly wishing it were a stronger drink. “Shepard’s got a real habit of letting someone else win a sniping match…”

“What?”

“Nevermind,” her father sighed, downing the rest of the juice in one swallow.

Her uncles brought the rest of the breakfast over and joined them at the table in the breakfast nook. Uncle Kaidan brought her a mug of hot chocolate without asking, in the mug that said “Best Uncles – Love, Ryta” the special nickname only he had been allowed to use when she was younger.

Now that she looked, they _did_ look older than they had. Older than either of her parents, like their bodies were just waiting for it to be civil to age them out of duty but not out of shape. Uncle Shepard whistled through his teeth, dishing some more eggs onto her father’s plate and giving a wink at her modest breakfast bar. They _had_ always ‘sniped’ at each other when she was growing up, but it never had seemed like that to her as a little girl. Maybe it was the way they always stood so close together. Maybe it was because she didn’t know how much they’d gone through to be together, back then.

“There’s something different about you this morning, babe,” Kaidan said, touching Shepard’s shoulder.

“Just same old me. Little bit older. Little bit slower.”

“No, there’s something…” Kaidan snapped, “You’re not wearing your back brace!”

Shepard beamed, sat straight up in his chair.

“No pain this morning!”

“That’s great. I’m so glad.” Kaidan leaned and pressed the softest kiss to his husband’s cheek, then he went on serving the bacon.

Maybe the bickering seemed louder because the rest had become so quiet, and so easy, and so free.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey wasn't that just... fluffy and dumb? Thank you very much for reading the whole thing, it means a lot to me: it's such a little work. I hope it at least made you smile a bit.


End file.
